This is going to be a very…selfish post. I apologize in advance for that.
It also may piss you off – and I don’t apologize for that. This is how I feel and this is a purging post for me. I need to purge before I drive myself a little batty.
A friend of mine recently committed suicide.
I am…devastated. I am torn apart.
This has hit me in a way that death hasn’t touched me in a very long time. It’s the complete and total wrongness of the situation that still has me reeling.
The person that I am discussing is someone who I would have never even guessed that they would even consider suicide: two children under 15, a spouse, and a well thought of and popular educator. This person was liked by all who knew them. Funny, charismatic, charming, attractive, intelligent, talented… In all honesty, the list goes on and on. This was a person who I – if I was feeling down or sad – could simply think of and I’d get a giggle or two. Funny? The word barely describes my friend. Charismatic? When I say that everyone who knew this person liked this person, I am not exaggerating.
But now this person is no longer here.
Now I – and lots of other people – have this human sized HOLE that used to be occupied. A hole…
At first I was shocked. Astounded. And in denial.
No way had this happened. No way were they gone. Suicide?? Never!
Later, the shock began to wear off…but the denial did not.
It had to be murder. Was anyone looking into this?? No way would suicide be an option.
I’m not a Facebook user but I joined up and scoured the site, looking for the slightest hint that it could be murder. Hoping deep within that I would find some stray bit of gossip that would hint that this wasn’t real.
I hoped that maybe it was a horribly mean, nasty and late April Fool’s Day joke.
I hoped. And I prayed. And I hoped.
But nothing came out of it. Day after day, more friends called/texted, confirming that this wasn’t some sick joke.
And I started to feel guilty. The same guilt that I’m sure tons of other people I know all feel.
I wasn’t a good enough friend. I didn’t reach out often enough. I didn’t spend enough time telling this person how important they were to me. To us. To the entire world. I got caught up in my life and did not do…enough.
A few more days passed. Slowly, I started to get angry.
WTF, dude??! WHY would you do this?? Why would you leave all of these people behind? The fuck did you think was going to solve?
“Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem.”
I’m all fucked up in the head right now. I can’t believe that I now live in a world devoid of this person…and that it wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t a mistake. It wasn’t that someone did something to this person. This was self-inflected.
And every day, it became more real.
Announcements for the funeral came out. Crushing that last little bit of hope that I had.
Suddenly, the day arrived. I joined a very large and very solemn group that gathered to pay their last respects.
Damn. Just typing this, even though its been almost an entire month. I still start to cry.
I joined a large group of people who were sad. Who were crying. And some of us – like me – were angry. We came from all over, from multiple states and countries. To say goodbye to a person who should STILL BE HERE.
And we said goodbye. And now its supposed to be over. But it’s not over. It’s not.
There’s still a lot of pain for a lot of people.
There is still a person who has lost their spouse – the person they were supposed to grow old with.
There are still two children who have lost a parent, who will grow up with that lack.
There is still a school full of students, bereft.
There are still friends walking around in shock.
And this is one of the most fucked up things that anyone can ever to do someone that they claim that they love.
And I just want to say that – we have to be better to each other. To reach out to each other. To take care of each other.
I have been reaching out to friends and family that I don’t talk to on a regular basis. I’ve been telling them – begging them – to call me if they need. It doesn’t matter when, doesn’t matter what for. Just call if they need to.
And for you – stranger on the internet who just happened to read this long rambling post – if you need to, feel free to contact me, too. IT doesn’t matter why you feel bad, just know that YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE WONDERFUL. Don’t forget it! Don’t let someone steal that from you! YOU HAVE WORTH.
I am so sad.
I want to close this before I burst into uncontrollable tears. Below you will find a list of quite a few places that you can contact if you need someone to talk to. Please, if you need to talk to someone, do it.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Spanish – 1-888-628-9454
The CALM Center (Youth Ages 10-17, Available 24/7, 365 Including Holidays)
918-394-CALM – 918-384-2256
COPES Team (Mobile Counselors – Tulsa County)
Mental Health Association Oklahoma Referral Line
918-585-1213 and 405-943-3700
211 / Helpline
211 – If you’re calling from a cell, call 918-836-4357
CTL (Crisis Text Line) Hotline Toll-free texting service. CTL is available nationwide and 24/7
Text “CTL” to 741741.
(877)838-2838 (1-877-Vet2Vet) Veterans peer support line
(800)784-2432 (1-800-SUICIDA) Spanish speaking suicide hotline
(877)968-8454 (1-877-YOUTHLINE) teen to teen peer counseling hotline
(800)472-3457 (1-800-GRADHLP) Grad student hotline
(800)773-6667 (1-800-PPD-MOMS) Post partum depression hotline
For a list of hotlines outside the US go here:
For email support 24 x 7:
It may take a few hours or more to generate a response
For online chat support:
(none of these are 24 x7 but will tell you if online counselors are available)
The first online network with 100% of its volunteers trained and certified in crisis intervention.
7 Cups of Tea is an on-demand emotional health and well-being service. Anyone who wants to talk about whatever is on their mind can quickly reach out to a trained, compassionate listener through this network.